mental journey

Ever since Thailand I'm using this weblog to show you to which wonderfull places I've been. Great trips that I'm making with KLM. Destinations are following up very quickly, even for me sometimes difficult to follow.
However, a lot of you know that I'm also a person with mental journeys, though not really mentioned on this blog. But my latest one I wish to share with you, as I'm still in the middle of it, sometimes happy, sometimes painful and recovering.

My trip to Thailand was the best decision I ever made at that time (as there are many decisions that I'm proud of). The more I get adjusted to my new job, the more I feel happy in this new life back in Holland, the more I realize how special this journey was. I came to the conclusion that during that trip I was the purest Marije I could ever be. Just being myself. Like many great people I met during that trip. Taylor was one of them. I realize now that it was no surprise at all that we experienced love in the purest way as possible. When 2 people are so happy with themselves and they meet, there are no boundaries, no walls. You just let people come in without fear. And the best thing will happen to you. No doubt about it that this was the most beautiful love I've ever experienced. I found my soulmate in Taylor.

Saying goodbye in Bangkok was extremely difficult, as we both didn't want to let go of this wonderful feeling. However, Taylor promised me to come over, to travel in Europe and to stay in Amsterdam during this travel. His arrival was 2 months ago. As it was great to see him again, things changed in my life. I just ended a very exhausting training with no time for myself at all, was about to start flying with every week evaluations and still a lot to learn, I was about moving to this nice but small studio in Amsterdam and wanted to get back together with my friends again as most of them I hadn't seen in 3 months already (except for my birthday party). So I was busy trying to organize my life, while Taylor was still in the travelers modus.
Instead of feeling wonderful about being back together, I just felt exhausted and didn't feel much other things. I was tired, sooo tired.

As we both worked very hard the last 2 months to change things, I didn't want to see what was coming: I had to accept that this wonderful love belonged in Thailand and was not going to happen over here. I couldn't accept it, as it was too painful to admit and I feared I would throw away the love of my life.
Funny how things come back to you: at the end of our KLM training we all received a thing to focus on in future, mine was about letting go.... Well, they analyzed me well, as that is something I do have difficulties with, like in this matter.

This week I was suddenly ready and revealed something I was hiding for, the truth. Still difficult to accept, I do see that this is not working in the present. Questions like why are popping up in my head, but look useless at the same time. It is not going to change a thing. Taylor and I were soulmates at a time that our soules were free of everything and I have to treasure that. At least I experienced a love like this one time, while there are many people who will never experienced a love this deep. I have to be gratefull for that. And I will, but not always at this moment...

I know for some of you this sounds all like bla-bla, too much spiritual. I can understand, as we most probably live our lifes on another level. One thing I know for sure: if I didn't choose to live mine like this, I wouldn't have experienced a pure love like this.